Sweater Lover

So, I'm getting ready to go out and I pull my favorite sweater down from the shelf in my closet and as I do I say, "Favorite Sweater!"  Then I looked at the sweater that had been my favorite up until I bought this one in a thrift shop in New York this past spring.  I legitimately felt bad for my previous favorite sweater.  I thought maybe it heard me and got its feelings hurt.  I am an accidental asshole, but apparently I have unusual empathy for sweaters.  Or I'm just bat shit crazy.  There's always that.

Upon Finding Some Things I Wrote Whilst Wasted...

So, I just accidentally hit the 'notes' button on my laptop and up popped my notes.  Since I almost never use this feature, I was unaware that I had notes on there that had been written recently.  I was also unaware that these notes even existed because I was apparently blacked out drunk when I wrote them.  I am sharing them now because the first one I wrote struck me as brutally honest, and brutal honesty is what I'm all about.  And the second one I just find hilarious.  I have corrected any typos or misspellings so they are easier to read, but kept the sentence structure and punctuation in its original form.  Please enjoy....


Written on May 8th at 4:10 am...

"It feels good to be in New York.  Or, more honesty, it feels good to be away from LA.  LA is full of fakers and you get sucked into faking it, constantly.  There’s a dweeby little guy I fucked a couple times that I'd see frequently around my neighborhood and every time I saw him he’d ask: are you killin it?  Annihilating it, I’d reply, my response even more bullshit than his forced casual joviality.  And I hated myself for it.  But everyone does that in LA.  In LA you start believing your own bullshit because you are forced to bullshit all day every day.  At least in New York you’re allowed to admit that you’re broken."

And this one was written in June - the only date that makes sense is the 14th -but I'm not sure of the time because I forgot to check before I started fixing all the typos...  and there were a whole shit ton of those...

"All I want is another beverage…  because I’m fucking lame.  this fucking airplane sucks; this fucking airline sucks;  this fucking whole thing is one of the most magical amazing thing that humanity has created and I’m sitting here bored and angry because of how much this shit sucks.  its crazy… if you think about it..  its insane.  we are hurtling through the sky at hundreds and hundreds of miles per hour on a tiny tin can and i’m sitting here bitching about how shitty it is that were delayed and were are stuck in an airport and i cant get drunk fast enough..  holy shit. my hair feels gorgeous  I’m waiting for my friend to meet me on the opposite side of the county and I am bitching in my brain about how shitty this traveling experience was.  I cant even imagine what my ancestors went thru  my best friend delivered a baby yesterday..  and I’m cranky because my back hurts and I want to be near my new friend again…  I don’t know what I'm trying to say other than I just love everything and everyone.  And I love this shitty journey.  And I can’t wait to see my friends… "

What a drunk fucking asshole I am...  I hope someone found these as amusing as I did...

An Asshole Swears At Her Mother

Boozing it up on a beautiful Sunday evening at my folk's place in Connecticut.  My mother is cleaning out the kitchen in preparation for a town wide tag sale happening next weekend because that's how tiny this tiny town is.  She finds some sort of red bag thingy and asks if I want it.  She explains that it is a carry bag for hot dishes, 'like if you're going to a pot luck or something'.  

I stared at her.  "Who in the fuck do you think you're talking to?", I asked.  She laughed and said:  "You're right.  I'll ask your sister."  Now, I may be an asshole, but she thought I'm the type of person that cooks things and/or the type of person who attends potlucks.  My own mother doesn't even know me at all...

An Asshole's Adventure in Adventure Education

I'm so tired.  Today I spent the day with my mother and a bunch of third graders as I was a group leader for SWINGS.  (Swings stands for 'smaller wings' and WINGS is an acronym for Winning Innovations for Nurturing Growth in Students- it is an award winning program my mother created.)  I am sunburned and exhausted.  But I had a lot of fun.  I also gained an incredible amount of respect for people like my mother and sister who have dedicated themselves to the education of children.  That is because, quite frankly, some of the kids suck.  Like, really fucking suck.  Total assholes, even worse than me.  One kid was driving me crazy all day; not paying attention, fidgeting, being selfish, etc.  But later in the afternoon a different kid joined our group which made me realize the first kid wasn't so bad at all.

And then there were the kids that made me fall in love with them.  There were sweet little girls who love to give hugs.  There were adorable little boys who already know how to flirt.  And then there was the chubby booger faced mo-hawked ginger who stole my heart and became my absolute favorite of the day.  'Awkward' does not even begin to describe this kid's appearance and demeanor.  But he was smart; he was matter-of-fact.  He was always always listening and eager to help and the best team player out of all the kids I worked with today.  He was a good egg.

My mother and sister are both teachers.  They are not allowed to call kids assholes, even when they are.  They can't say that some of the kids suck, even though they do.  And they sure as fuck would never call a child a chubby booger faced ginger, even though he totally is one.  They love all the kids and try to give them all the attention they need.  They try to teach them and mold them and make them better people even when it is exhausting, disheartening, and utterly impossible.  They are better people than I am.  I'm just an accidental asshole.  I can barely try to teach myself how to be better, let alone someone else's snot nosed kid.  The world, especially the children, are very lucky to have people like my mother and my sister.

My mom is retiring next month.  Since it would be the last time she ran the program that we did today- the one she created- some former students got up and spoke about her and the impact she has had on their life.  It took a long time.  A lot of people had a lot of things to say.  My mother cried.  She cried a lot.  People even came up to tell me their stories about how wonderful my mother is.  But I already knew that.  She's my mom.  It was beautiful to see her weep in appreciation of the people appreciating her.   I hope every kid someday has a teacher like my mom.  And I hope those kids tell that person what they mean to them.  Because I'm sure it is even more wonderful to experience than to it was to witness.

I would love to write more about what a wonderful program and fantastic day today was, but I'm tired.  Those little shits wore me the fuck out.  Much respect to all the educators out there that have to get up and do it all again tomorrow.  

Thank you.

My mommy, the wonder woman.